About me

I guess that since I didn't tell you about me before the first appointment post, I should tell you now.
I am 62 (very darn close to 63) and so much more than morbidly obese. I am a fat person in a thin person's world.
I know where this came from and I know why I gained it. I am a very passive aggressive person and I did it out of spite. Do you know here that gets you? It gets you nowhere other than fat, out of shape, and hating yourself. It hurts no one but you. I was hurt and angry and I wanted to get even. Well, I never got even and I got big, bigger, biggest. Now the only reason I am nearly healthy at all is because my doctor has all the right meds for me. My joints are painful and my muscles hurt. I can't get around like I always did and traveling with my husband is not nearly as much fun as it used to be because I cannot go everywhere he goes and I cannot move and last as long as he does. He has to go down into the volcanoes alone because I can walk down in, but cannot walk back out without getting breathless. It's just not as good as it once was. I know that it is disappointing to my husband.

I hate getting on airplanes and asking for an extender belt. I hate taking up more room than I should and keeping my arms crossed for hours on the plane so I appear to be taking up less room. I hate walking on my toes to make less noise walking. I ant to seem to be light on my feet. There are so many things to think about when you are fat. Will that chair hold me? Will I fit on that ride? Will they laugh and stare at me in a bathing suit? (Absolutely!) Do I embarrass my grandchildren when they have to introduce me as their grandmother? Are my other loved ones embarrassed? Will any nice clothes fit me? Can I still look good in nice clothes, even though they are HUGE? There really is so mich to think about. So many.

Fat people (and I use that word because that is what I am, I am not heavy or plump, I am fat, so I must deal with it) are easily offended and get their feelings hurt. Every slight seems to be because of our weight to us. Sometimes it is paranoia, but usually it is quite likely the reason for those slights. When we eat, people look at our plates to see if we are showing why we are so fat or if we are trying to behave in public.

When I first called to be put on the list for the lapband, I thought I would get my paperwork package in a day or two because, of course, I had made up my mind and I was ready to do what I had to do. It took a week. I thought, they don't really want me in the program. Don't they know I have to get in there while my self esteem is up and I am ready to do this? Don't they know that the slightest delay and I might change my mind again because they don't like me? Don't they know that I know they think I am lazy and disgusting? You see, that is how things are with fat people! Honestly! We take it all personally. It is the low self esteem thing.

Now I am learning that I am worth the work and effort to get well and well means losing weight.

I am a very sedentary person. I am trying now to get some movement into my life. I am getting a pedometer tomorrow and signing up for a class being offered by physical therapists who have set up specific training for bariatric pre and post patients. That should be a good start for me. Then into swimming and pool walking. I am psyched!!!

By the way, my weight won't be posted right away. I will post pounds lost though. Suffice it to say that I have to lose over half of my total body weight.

Wish me luck!

My first consultation, finally!

I finally had my first consultation! I was so excited. I have waited since October for this. I went for my first assessment and the counselor was very nice and right up front. I was glad to meet her. She is a nice person. We discussed many things and hen she got my family history, one with many health problems (depression, anxiety, diabetes, thyroid problems, heart problems, cirrhosis, fibromyalgia, gall bladder problems, cancer of the brain and prostate, and so many others) and emotional problems that are definitely reflect an addiction problem; smoking, alcohol, food.... and when she went one by one with my family, she asked if my mom had a problem with alcohol and once again, I said not really. Then I realized I was doing it again. My mom had shock treatments because of her addiction to alcohol and drugs combined. She was addicted to prescription drugs and she drank with them also, And I always say, no she didn't drink much or have a problem with alcohol. Anyway, there was a plain and open pattern apparent as to why I am the way I am.

I have always said that I have an addiction to food. I have no problem with alcohol or with cigarettes, but I sure do hide myself in food and I don't deprive myself. I am just thrilled to find someone who actually agrees with me that it is an addiction. I know how quirky it is to want someone to say that you are addicted to something, but it is not the addiction itself, it is the validation that you have a real problem, not an imagined one.

Now comes the hardest part and that is owning the addiction. I have to claim it to change it. So here it is for the whole wide world to see and to know about. I am fat because I am addicted to food and I don't, no, I haven't loved myself enough to face it and do something about it. This is changing right now.

I have to wait 5 weeks before I can get into my education class. Then I start attending the emotional and nutritional meetings that I have to get in before I can have the surgery. That will go faster than the waiting for the first appointment because now I have a goal to reach. I need to lose 5% of my body weight. They don't know yet about my insurance, they may require more. The doctor's office will let me know. I better get working on it.

I find it hard to give up the bad foods right now, but it will get better. Terry has to go to a family support meeting. It's mandatory that the family member go. My daughter is going also. I guess it is so they know what to expect, especially after the surgery. I am glad that he has to go because he has no idea what is really going to happen. He doesn't want to talk about it. He'd like for it to just magically happen, I think. He worries more than he lets on.

I had some questions after I left the office as I was reading the material I had. So I sent the questions in on their website contact email and I had an email back this morning plus a phone call from the counselor. I thought that was terrific. They are very supportive. I wish my friend could use this facility. I really do, even after all I heard about the doctor. I will meet him after my first education meeting.

All in all, I am excited and though I know it will be a very big change in my lifestyle, I am looking forward to it. It would be nice to be able to ignore food at social settings and parties. I hate that it rules my life. Things, they will be a-changin!!!!